When I decided to publically post my kabbolos for Elul 5783, I had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, there’s a certain lack of צניעות in posting something personal like this. I also was worried about normalizing my personal failures by publicizing them. On the other hand, I wanted to hold myself accountable publically. It’s not that I expect or even want anyone to read this. Although, if you’re someone other than me reading this, you’re more than welcome to it.

I feel like there are a lot of times where I’ve made a deal with myself in the future, and then let my future self down. I mostly wanted to document the contract I was making to myself. In that vein, I am going to post the a (very slightly) redacted version of my obsidian notes - although the only thing I will be redacting is the parts not relevant to the kabbolos or that involve other people.

Kabbolos Day One

August 20th

Today I woke up early and went to shul. Although there was a big gap between the waking up early and the going to shul. I woke up and was out of bed by 6:10 and then wasted time and watched youtube videos from then until 7:30. I had to daven at the 8:00 minyan.

I was זוכה to learn a chapter of יתגבר כארי.
I was זוכה to learn דף היומי.

August 21st

לא הצלחתי ללכת לישון או להתעורר מוקדם

למדתי דף היומי ( קידושין דף ח). לא הסתכלתי ביוטיוב או כדומה לפני תפילת שחרית. למדתי פרק בספר יתגבר כארי.

שיקרתי לפחות פעם אחת. 😞

August 22nd

Yesterday I removed the YouTube app from my phone, so I didn’t watch YouTube before davening. But I slept through my alarm. As such I decided I should get a bunch of Elul themed songs for my alarm clock. I wasted a lot of time and went to the 8:30 shachris.

I did learn daf hayomi and 10 minutes or so of mussar today.

I don’t think I lied today. At least I can’t think of any lies I’ve said.

In bed at 10:59

August 23rd

Last night I went to bed on time. Today I woke up earlier than expected. I was able to daven at נץ החמה בע״ה! I was able to learn mussar before davening!!

I finished the daf on the train to work. Reviewed between mincha and maariv.

I’m going to try to review the הלכות of ראש השנה through סוכות also בל״נ.

August 24th

Today I woke up and went to the 6:15 minyan at Zichron Moshe. Unfortunately, I came a little late and was very rushed.

I learnt 10 minutes or so of יתגבר כארי and Daf HaYomi on the train. 2 סעיפים of הלכות ראש השנה on the bus on the way to the train.

It’s nice to daven before the train. Davening on the train is squishy and kind of stressful 😅

August 25th

The Rosh Yeshiva זצ״ל was נפטר yesterday. It was very distressing for me. I went to bed a little before 11, but it took me a long time to fall asleep. I counted it as a half.

I made it to the 7 am shachris today but I got in at 7:04. I’m counting it as a success given the circumstances.

Yesterday, I ”embellished” a story to the point where some of the facts were inaccurate. I counted it as a lie.

August 31st (unfinished)

Today I woke up at 6 and wasted a lot of time. While it did make it to the 7am minyan (at 7:02), I certainly wasted a good amount of time. That said, I looked at my August 20th post, I feel I’ve made progress.

Here are some things I’ve noticed. One is that I’ve slacked off in logging my notes. I should really put a place in my spreadsheet for that. I think these notes are likely more important than the spreadsheet.

Another is that, while I‘ve been doing Daf Hayomi rather consistently, I haven’t necessarily been doing the full hour part. I’m finding that, as expected, some days I’m into Daf Hayomi, and some days it feels like I’m doing it just to check a box or not to fall behind.

Also, things not on the spreadsheet tend to be ignored. I think it would be ideal to have a situation where I’m on top of things and the spreadsheet is just there to be a place to store the data and notice trends, rather than a motivator.

Spreadsheet So Far

Some notes about the data:

• There are three possible values 0, 1, or -1
  • 1 = Done
  • 0 = Not Done
  • -1 = See continuation
• For lying, any deviation from the truth is automatically a -1
• For not getting distracted before davening, this is an inherently somewhat subjective. I am not a zen master who can maintain a state of Mushin (no mind) until I take off my tefillin. If I was expedient in getting to Shachris and davening, I’ve given myself a 1. If I was a little lagging but nothing to terrible I gave a 0. If I was basically procrastinating and getting involved with random stuff I marked it a -1.